i’m quietly aware of the noise that surrounds me
the life i should be living
slowly passing me
as instead, i sit in the empty bathtub
sipping from my bottle
setting my insides on fire.
the alcohol burns my throat
and the cigarettes blacken my lungs
and it doesn’t matter about anything else
because any feeling
is better
than the nothingness without you.
i stare at the ceiling
begging it to collapse on top of me
as i wait for unconsciousness to come
praying for the black
but my mind is cruel
and it plays movies of us instead.
and i watch the memories play
like a film against the wall
flickering between laughs
and precious moments
until the film reel burns itself out
and so do i.
it takes a few seconds
after i wake
for the pain to come flooding back
but those few seconds
of believing you’re still here
are bliss.
my head spins as i stand up
last night’s drink is half empty
lying on the floor
and i grab it
ready to set my insides alight
once more.
